Thursday, May 17, 2012


I had a pivotal moment earlier this week that sneaked up on me without any indication at all that it was happening. I was thinking about my grandson, now 4 years old, and how lucky I am to be living with him so that I can see his goofy beautiful face every day. I started thinking about the course of events that brought me here. How so many years ago, when my youngest daughter was his age, I was just starting my life here with my girls. How much or how little time it took depending on the thought. How many incarnations of myself from that point to now. All of this while I was looking through some papers and allowing my mind to wander so I could get through the mundane task of sorting them all.

Then it occurred to me ... I had no more anger towards my ex-husband! When did this happen?! This emotion has been something that had been with me for close to 20 years. I couldn't really remember the last time I had that angry feeling about him. Mostly I felt glad I didn't still know him. Relief that I survived our years together. Happy that my daughters and I are happy. I expected to have this large "AHA" moment about it or feel differently like really, really aware of it at one precise moment in time or something major should have happened, like angels singing or some kind of neon sign blinking: "YOU ARE FREE FROM FEAR" ... something. Instead it was a quiet thought - whoosh - gone. I said, out loud: "I'm not angry any longer. He holds no power over me. I no longer dislike him; I have no emotions about him at all. I'm no longer afraid of him." and then to him in hopes the Universe will deliver my message: "I forgive you, I'm grateful you were in my life and I am happy with my choices after you no longer were."

Wow, I thought, there should be some sort of loud sound at this moment ... thunder clapping down from the skies, maybe? I actually looked around expecting something to be different. But nothing was different in my outside world. But a wonderful feeling of relief washed over me just as quickly as the thoughts from the inside. I knew I had truly found the forgiveness in my heart and soul for this person who had me fearful for way too long. I felt free, relaxed.

Another goal towards the enlightenment journey has been met. There are a few more people that have had a hold on me (without their knowledge, thank goodness) because I allow it. I am thinking it might not have to take another 20 years to do this thought process with the next person but when it happens, it will no doubt happen in a similar way. The thing about this kind of release is how light it makes me feel. I am positive I can't force it to happen but I will practice forgiveness on those that have made me feel badly about myself and my life choices. Those who should have no say at all in how I run my life but who have more power than they will ever know. Now that I know what it feels like to really be free from the fear, I'm guessing it won't take very long at all to get to the next one and the one after that.

I wonder if all of the things I'm struggling with inside my head will go this same way? One day I have the thoughts, the next day I don't? And will my body feel lighter from the inside out each time until when I meditate I will really feel like I'm floating on air? I do believe so.

I like these feelings and thoughts tonight. They have come quietly, peacefully. They are uplifting and happily I accepting them; I'm ready to accept them.

Stay peaceful.

Friday, May 11, 2012

The Best Blog Ever!!

How odd that I was going to write something a few days ago when before I could save it, the internet shut down. I lost everything I wrote. At one time, I'd have gotten angry about that but now I get a small flash of annoyance and then think, oh well, it wasn't meant to be and I move on. I don't hold any emotion to things I can't control. And now I'm learning how to see emotions and separate them. Not easy to do but it IS possible!

Once the net came buzzing back to life a few days later, I found my email filled with junk but also filled with much wisdom! Tiny Buddha is a blog I love to read and am happy to share the posts when I can. Oddly enough, the post I was going to write and couldn't was close in context to this post. It's written much better than I could write it and says more than I ever could. I now know why I wasn't meant to write the one I started! I was supposed to read, enjoy and share this one!

There is a reason that I like it so much. It comes in my email every day and more than once a week, one post will "speak" to me or be written as if it was especially for me and my situation. Not many blogs do that on a regular basis like this one does.

This particular blog post shared below from Tiny Buddha might help you if you're struggling with thoughts and don't know how to break them down or even what they mean. Sign up for more reading through them, go to their archives and read what jumps out at you.

Here's the one that came in my email today:

Tiny Buddha


Be at Peace.

Friday, May 4, 2012

It Boggles The Mind

Wow. I realized this evening that the old me would've held a grudge about a few things said and done these past few weeks ... even been livid with the thought of the things said by people who knew who I used to be but no longer know me as I am today.

I'm grateful for the experiences from my past. And it's sad that some can still put themselves right back to that one point in time and stay there and still feel the emotions of that day as strongly as they had just happened. Wouldn't it be better to move on, let it go, learn from these things?

Gathering people together and sharing a life event does that to some folks. My daughter just got married. I'm thrilled beyond belief for her and her future looks secure and bright. I wouldn't say one person in particular did more than anyone else to help her find this future. She did it all on her own and I'm very proud of her.

An off handed comment brought all of this up not so long ago; just before her wedding day. Making reference to a few weeks in my life when my daughters were young and we had just moved here after leaving my ex-husband and the help received during that time, made me wonder why now, after all these years, would a few weeks matter so much to this one person? But it did. I at first thought I was supposed to offer some monetary gift in exchange now after 20 years but even if I had it available, I'm not sure I could. What took place was a warm and loving gesture on their part but I was never under the impression that I had to continually thank them for it, pay them back or do something else other than what I had done. I can't honestly remember, but I'm fairly sure I made a few handmade things for them as a thank you. It was all I could do at the time and it's all I could do now.

For some reason, I believed the gesture was genuine and giving for the purpose of that alone. I might have been wrong, as the comment came from the spouse of the one who helped us those many years ago, mentioned it almost with anger that it happened at all which could mean the person who made the caring gesture might have been less than happy about how it turned out.

I'm positive I can't go back in time and say or do something different. Wouldn't it be great if we could do that?! I've given it very little thought lately, until this evening, about that particular time in my life. It wasn't fun. I had left my verbally and physically abusive husband with $10 in my pocket and two small children to raise. Having friends and family around me was terrific and made that transition from emotionally abused to healthy thinker so much easier. It was still difficult and until I learned to forgive the man and the situation I wasn't able to really feel healthy.

I'm positive it helped this person's spouse to let go of the feelings they've kept bottled up all these years and "let me have it" albeit in a slightly weak way since it was through a message in my online in box. I do, however, feel sad. Sadness washed over me tonight as I thought about it all. Why hold a grudge for something that doesn't require it? Was it really something that life-altering in their life? I wonder if it changed who they could have been - do they trust people less or feel in some way I took advantage of the situation? I truly hope not.

Because I don't know the answers and am grateful for all of my past mistakes and bad moments because it's brought me here and I like it here, I suppose finding that moment mentioned as a good one should be enough. It always was a nice memory until I saw it through someone's eyes. I have let it go, trust me ... the comments and the thoughts of that time hold no power over me because my daughters are both happy, I'm happy for them and I'm happy for myself as well.

If two weeks or a month - whatever the amount of time was (that sounds ungrateful but I truly don't remember how long it was, there was a lot going on at the time) that this person helped us get through a difficult situation was monumental in shaping us as we are today was ever in doubt, I'm here to tell you, it did help but that one single event didn't define any of us. Not the person who helped and not the receivers of the help. It was a kindness and as a kindness should never be given with anything except unconditional love which was always what I thought it was until this evening. I am surprised by the comment and that is what prompted writing a blog post about it in my "expanding my brain" way.

No longer able to be an angry person about the past, no longer willing to be physically altered in mind or spirit by a comment that was meant to hurt, I am happy to say I thought a lot about it this night and have decided I did everything right and would do it all, in the same way, all over again. For me it made me gladder than ever that I am no longer where I used to be in my thinking but have moved on, forgiven those that needed it, especially the ex-, let go of those that no longer wanted to be in my life (and this person was one of those people) as time went on. We drifted apart within a few years after this time mentioned.

The fact that I'm not the person I used to be means I don't have to react like the person I used to be would. I'm amazed in no small way to discover that I am so much stronger, healthier and happier in my thinking. If that's what is meant by taking the high road towards enlightenment, then I'm diggin' it and I'm headed in the right direction!

Seeing myself evolving into a calmer, more peaceful, well-rounded spirit was the reason for this journey, after all. Never wanting to intentionally hurt anyone while trying to live my life, I am once more going to say thank you for the help whether they ever read this or not - it's out there in the Universe now! Thank you, so many years ago for the kindness giving towards myself and my daughters during one of the hardest times in my life. And please know that if I could go back in time, I'd make sure to thank the spouse for any inconveniences that were made towards them. Something tells me that's what they've been looking for all these years.

Be at peace.