Friday, May 4, 2012

It Boggles The Mind

Wow. I realized this evening that the old me would've held a grudge about a few things said and done these past few weeks ... even been livid with the thought of the things said by people who knew who I used to be but no longer know me as I am today.

I'm grateful for the experiences from my past. And it's sad that some can still put themselves right back to that one point in time and stay there and still feel the emotions of that day as strongly as they had just happened. Wouldn't it be better to move on, let it go, learn from these things?

Gathering people together and sharing a life event does that to some folks. My daughter just got married. I'm thrilled beyond belief for her and her future looks secure and bright. I wouldn't say one person in particular did more than anyone else to help her find this future. She did it all on her own and I'm very proud of her.

An off handed comment brought all of this up not so long ago; just before her wedding day. Making reference to a few weeks in my life when my daughters were young and we had just moved here after leaving my ex-husband and the help received during that time, made me wonder why now, after all these years, would a few weeks matter so much to this one person? But it did. I at first thought I was supposed to offer some monetary gift in exchange now after 20 years but even if I had it available, I'm not sure I could. What took place was a warm and loving gesture on their part but I was never under the impression that I had to continually thank them for it, pay them back or do something else other than what I had done. I can't honestly remember, but I'm fairly sure I made a few handmade things for them as a thank you. It was all I could do at the time and it's all I could do now.

For some reason, I believed the gesture was genuine and giving for the purpose of that alone. I might have been wrong, as the comment came from the spouse of the one who helped us those many years ago, mentioned it almost with anger that it happened at all which could mean the person who made the caring gesture might have been less than happy about how it turned out.

I'm positive I can't go back in time and say or do something different. Wouldn't it be great if we could do that?! I've given it very little thought lately, until this evening, about that particular time in my life. It wasn't fun. I had left my verbally and physically abusive husband with $10 in my pocket and two small children to raise. Having friends and family around me was terrific and made that transition from emotionally abused to healthy thinker so much easier. It was still difficult and until I learned to forgive the man and the situation I wasn't able to really feel healthy.

I'm positive it helped this person's spouse to let go of the feelings they've kept bottled up all these years and "let me have it" albeit in a slightly weak way since it was through a message in my online in box. I do, however, feel sad. Sadness washed over me tonight as I thought about it all. Why hold a grudge for something that doesn't require it? Was it really something that life-altering in their life? I wonder if it changed who they could have been - do they trust people less or feel in some way I took advantage of the situation? I truly hope not.

Because I don't know the answers and am grateful for all of my past mistakes and bad moments because it's brought me here and I like it here, I suppose finding that moment mentioned as a good one should be enough. It always was a nice memory until I saw it through someone's eyes. I have let it go, trust me ... the comments and the thoughts of that time hold no power over me because my daughters are both happy, I'm happy for them and I'm happy for myself as well.

If two weeks or a month - whatever the amount of time was (that sounds ungrateful but I truly don't remember how long it was, there was a lot going on at the time) that this person helped us get through a difficult situation was monumental in shaping us as we are today was ever in doubt, I'm here to tell you, it did help but that one single event didn't define any of us. Not the person who helped and not the receivers of the help. It was a kindness and as a kindness should never be given with anything except unconditional love which was always what I thought it was until this evening. I am surprised by the comment and that is what prompted writing a blog post about it in my "expanding my brain" way.

No longer able to be an angry person about the past, no longer willing to be physically altered in mind or spirit by a comment that was meant to hurt, I am happy to say I thought a lot about it this night and have decided I did everything right and would do it all, in the same way, all over again. For me it made me gladder than ever that I am no longer where I used to be in my thinking but have moved on, forgiven those that needed it, especially the ex-, let go of those that no longer wanted to be in my life (and this person was one of those people) as time went on. We drifted apart within a few years after this time mentioned.

The fact that I'm not the person I used to be means I don't have to react like the person I used to be would. I'm amazed in no small way to discover that I am so much stronger, healthier and happier in my thinking. If that's what is meant by taking the high road towards enlightenment, then I'm diggin' it and I'm headed in the right direction!

Seeing myself evolving into a calmer, more peaceful, well-rounded spirit was the reason for this journey, after all. Never wanting to intentionally hurt anyone while trying to live my life, I am once more going to say thank you for the help whether they ever read this or not - it's out there in the Universe now! Thank you, so many years ago for the kindness giving towards myself and my daughters during one of the hardest times in my life. And please know that if I could go back in time, I'd make sure to thank the spouse for any inconveniences that were made towards them. Something tells me that's what they've been looking for all these years.

Be at peace.

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