I had a pivotal moment earlier this week that sneaked up on me without any indication at all that it was happening. I was thinking about my grandson, now 4 years old, and how lucky I am to be living with him so that I can see his goofy beautiful face every day. I started thinking about the course of events that brought me here. How so many years ago, when my youngest daughter was his age, I was just starting my life here with my girls. How much or how little time it took depending on the thought. How many incarnations of myself from that point to now. All of this while I was looking through some papers and allowing my mind to wander so I could get through the mundane task of sorting them all.
Then it occurred to me ... I had no more anger towards my ex-husband! When did this happen?! This emotion has been something that had been with me for close to 20 years. I couldn't really remember the last time I had that angry feeling about him. Mostly I felt glad I didn't still know him. Relief that I survived our years together. Happy that my daughters and I are happy. I expected to have this large "AHA" moment about it or feel differently like really, really aware of it at one precise moment in time or something major should have happened, like angels singing or some kind of neon sign blinking: "YOU ARE FREE FROM FEAR" ... something. Instead it was a quiet thought - whoosh - gone. I said, out loud: "I'm not angry any longer. He holds no power over me. I no longer dislike him; I have no emotions about him at all. I'm no longer afraid of him." and then to him in hopes the Universe will deliver my message: "I forgive you, I'm grateful you were in my life and I am happy with my choices after you no longer were."
Wow, I thought, there should be some sort of loud sound at this moment ... thunder clapping down from the skies, maybe? I actually looked around expecting something to be different. But nothing was different in my outside world. But a wonderful feeling of relief washed over me just as quickly as the thoughts from the inside. I knew I had truly found the forgiveness in my heart and soul for this person who had me fearful for way too long. I felt free, relaxed.
Another goal towards the enlightenment journey has been met. There are a few more people that have had a hold on me (without their knowledge, thank goodness) because I allow it. I am thinking it might not have to take another 20 years to do this thought process with the next person but when it happens, it will no doubt happen in a similar way. The thing about this kind of release is how light it makes me feel. I am positive I can't force it to happen but I will practice forgiveness on those that have made me feel badly about myself and my life choices. Those who should have no say at all in how I run my life but who have more power than they will ever know. Now that I know what it feels like to really be free from the fear, I'm guessing it won't take very long at all to get to the next one and the one after that.
I wonder if all of the things I'm struggling with inside my head will go this same way? One day I have the thoughts, the next day I don't? And will my body feel lighter from the inside out each time until when I meditate I will really feel like I'm floating on air? I do believe so.
I like these feelings and thoughts tonight. They have come quietly, peacefully. They are uplifting and happily I accepting them; I'm ready to accept them.